BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY Read online

  “Good night, my darling” she whispered.

  She didn’t set the alarm, let her body and the calls of nature wake her. She fell into a deep sleep and dreamed of lighthouses with waves crashing.

  When she woke the sun was shining bright but it was only a little after eight in the morning. She made a pot of coffee, some toast before starting her search again on the internet. The TV on in the background. She paid little attention to the breakfast TV show but wanted to listen to the news so she turned up the volume. The recent fuel hikes the main topic of conversation and not much else she surmised.

  “Coming up after the break, all the latest Hollywood news and gossip!”

  She cleared the crumbs from the table and washed away the remnants of her toast. Another mug of coffee and she returned to the internet search. She had narrowed down her accommodation choices and emailed off some availability enquiries.

  The ink on the pen was running out and she had a rummage through the drawer on one of the side tables for a spare.

  “Rumours are rife here in La La land that billionaire playboy Nico Devanti and supermodel Lea are about to tie the knot! Lea has been spotted at the top wedding dress designers here in Beverly Hills. It’s no coincidence that Lea has been visiting jewellers too! Hearts will be breaking if the rumours are true but their reps are denying any nuptials! Now that’s a sure sign of imminent wedding bells!”

  The presenters debated this at length.

  “At last .. found a pen!”

  Starting writing her to do list for her trip.

  Mmm she wondered if her Aunt had been following the latest gossip on Devanti? Oh would Belle get an invite to the celeb occasion of the year? If anyone could it would be Belle.

  The phone began to ring. She checked the caller display – it was her parent’s number.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” The opening words from her Mum. Eh was she rumbled already for her trip?

  “What? Tell you what Mum?”

  “That Claire is moving!”

  “Mum, Claire swore me to secrecy. It’s not official that they’ve got the lease. How did you find out, inspector?”

  “They popped over last night after their viewing. Well, I hope their bid is accepted with the letting agency”

  The next ten minutes her Mum changed the topic of conversation and Carrie inserted the occasional yes or no in response when she paused for breath.

  Carrie promised to visit later that afternoon and that she would not go for any rainy walks in the park.

  Her momentum to research her trip lost and she decided to go shopping instead.

  A few hours later she had added a few more ticks to her to do list. Currency, clothes and toiletries purchased.

  Only her Mum’s car was parked in the large driveway of the detached villa that was her childhood home. Since her father had talked of retirement he had reduced some of his working hours. Today must be a working day. Her Mum was busy fussing round the immaculate house that had neither cushion out of place nor magazine off centre on the table.

  “Hi Mum,” she was immediately enveloped in a hug. “Dad at work?”

  “Yes, back in a few hours ... well he better be on time as we’ve got theatre tickets for this evening. How are you darling? You look tired,”

  “Oh Mum, I’m so fed up crying.”

  “Carrie, it’s normal to feel the way you do. Are you still taking those tablets?”

  She picked up her cup of tea.

  “I’ve cut back quite a lot now that I’m not at work. I think it was too stressful for me to go back when I did. I wanted some normality in my life. A routine. Then I started making errors and feeling like an idiot. Lost my confidence.”

  The cup of tea still in her hand, she took a sip trying to phrase in her mind how she was going to explain to her mother she was going on a trip.

  “So I’ve decided, I’m going on a trip.”

  “That’s a good idea Carrie, just what you need. Have you booked somewhere nice or are you going to see Belle again?”

  “No, not Belle’s… a little further afield this time. I’ve booked my flight and I’m going to America.”

  “What? On your own? But why?”

  Before her mother could ream off more questions than she could answer Carrie interrupted.

  “I leave on Friday evening, yes two days away. On my own. I know you will think I’m a little crazy but it’s something I have to do”

  Carrie took the book out of her bag and passed it to her Mum to see.

  “When I stayed at Belle’s last year, I didn’t tell you everything that happened. I told Daddy some of it but I didn’t want you to worry.”

  So Carrie told her Mum all about that fateful mug of tea in a greasy spoon café with a psychic called Sheena who had a message from Rob.

  “I’ve tried to forget about it, to rationalise it but I can’t explain the book that I found – which was unopened by Rob she couldn’t have known about it – pennies and butterflies everywhere.”

  “Carrie you can’t go. Not now. There will be a perfectly sensible explanation behind this. You have always liked butterflies and don’t they say once it’s in your mind it’s something you look for… if someone says I haven’t seen a yellow car in ages .. suddenly you see a yellow car!”

  “Mum .. its not like that .. I’m not going mad.. I know what I am doing”

  “Does your father know this? And Claire, does she know all about your trip? It seems I’m the last to know what you are doing, what’s happening in your life. I’m only your Mother, I worry and worry. We have a new baby on the way and if Claire moves you are needed here.”

  “Dad doesn’t know about the trip, neither does Claire. I only booked the flights last night. I know you worry, please don’t. This is something I have to do. I have to try and get my life back. I’m always here for Claire, going away for a week or so isn’t going to change that.”

  The book was on the coffee table, her Mum had given it a fleeting glance dismissing it and Carrie returned it to her bag. She picked up her empty mug and took it into the kitchen to wash as she always did when at home. When she returned to the living room her Mum was still sitting on the sofa.

  Carrie picked up her car keys and jacket. “I’m going home now Mum,” she kissed her Mum on the cheek good bye. “Enjoy the theatre and I will speak to you later, and don’t worry. Everything will be okay.”

  “Oh Carrie! Of course I worry, I’m your Mother, I’ve worried for the last twenty eight years of your life, that’s not going to change now!”

  She made the journey home in the usual twenty minutes. Took the bags from the boot of the car, she hadn’t thought she had bought so much. The phone was ringing when she opened the door. Checking the caller display it was her sisters’ number.

  “Carrie .. what are you playing at?.”

  “Hello to you too sis. Let me guess you spoke to Mum?”

  Carrie explained, again, what she was intending on doing.

  “I think you are mad Carrie. Why now? Why not go to the Canaries or Italy if you need a holiday? But New England on a goose chase or should that be a bloody light house chase?”

  “Claire I won’t insult you saying you’re hormonal or anything like that! But I am going on Friday and I would like you to support me in this”

  “Hormonal .. of course I’m hormonal I’m six months pregnant but you’re my little sister and I love you and I am worried about you.”

  “I can’t go on like this Claire, I have to do something positive or I will be locked in like this forever.”

  They said their goodbyes and Carrie sunk low into the sofa.

  “Well that went down like a tonne of bricks!”

  All she needed now was a call from her Dad and she would have a hat-trick of disapproval.

  A few hours later she checked her emails and the responses from the hotels she had made enquiries with. It was her intention to stay two weeks at the maximum to give her time to get to the lighthouses and see
a little of New England. If she was ready to come home earlier she would book an earlier return.

  A scribble on her notepad and she started to plan her itinerary. She planned to travel Friday and check into an airport hotel when she arrived that night. The hire car she would collect on Saturday from the airport. Saturday drive from Portland to Cape Elizabeth. She confirmed her reservation at a boutique guest house in Cape Elizabeth, for a one week stay which she could extend if required. A short drive along route 77 and she would be there in fifteen minutes or so the directions advised her.

  Monday to Friday she would go to the Portland Head Light in Cape Elizabeth, Portland Breakwater Light and maybe the Cape Neddick ‘Nubble’ Lighthouse. All in no particular order and weather permitting. Then if all went to plan she would book her return flight and her trip would be over.

  In lieu of a GPS tracker she sent her father an email with a copy of her itinerary. Listed the contact details of the airline, hire company and hotels. That would ease some of the worry on her whereabouts!

  Her suitcase lay on the bed and she started to pack some items. Summer had almost arrived and from the weather report it was still a little chilly. She packed warm items and lots of layers. Adding one ‘little black dress’ her favourite back up dress, the dress she took everywhere on her trips with Rob. It was a Donna Karan black chiffon wrap dress. Two or three or four seasons old she couldn’t remember but a classic. A pair of Christian Louboutin black pumps to accompany the outfit. Not that she intended having any need to wear it but she was always prepared for any eventuality and the dress never creased in travel.

  After sorting through the items to give to Rob’s parents Carrie had stored the more personal items of theirs in a large box. It didn’t look out of place stacked in her bedroom. She took the lid off the duck egg blue and cream patterned box. Inside she had kept a multitude of items. His watch, wallet, the broken mobile, his lucky tie, and the cufflinks he wore on their wedding day, a bottle of his aftershave, along with the copy he had of their New Year photo. She took out the watch and held the leather strap, just a faint aroma of his aftershave embedded now sixteen months later. She placed the watch back in the box. The cufflink box opened with ease and she stared at the shiny stones with an abrupt snap the box closed.

  “Oh Rob!”

  From her own handbag she removed some of the items that had been her talisman and shield through these long months. She removed her battered 2013 diary, flicked the pages where she had scribbled her fertility cycle with little heart shaped doodles. So full of promise and plans. Their busy schedule, Robs business trips, birthdays and events. The empty perfume bottle of her favourite scent. She couldn’t part with it as it was the last bottle of perfume Rob had given her. All the little things that she could not part with but that had their own individual memories. Ticket stubs she had removed from the kitchen pin board for events unattended; invitations to parties and weddings with save the date tags. She had kept the large embossed card for a friend’s wedding. The last formal invitation addressed to Mr and Mrs Davies. She emptied the pennies that she collected into a little velvet pouch and closed the lid. Her year of firsts now complete.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The airline checkin for her flight was 5am. She declined the offer of a lift from her Dad, not wanting to get him out of bed that early to take her to the airport.

  “I will be fine Dad, I’ve already booked a taxi to take me”

  Her parents had a spare set of keys, had a note of the code for the alarm and would check the house whilst she was away. She spoke longer on the phone than usual to her father as he went through his own pre-travel check list with her. Sometimes she thought that he still saw her as the seventeen year old who got locked out of the house and tried to climb through the porch window only to get stuck. Stuck for all the neighbours to see and laugh and gawp over her predicament whilst trying to help her. Not that she was a grown woman, a twenty eight year old widow her window climbing days over.

  “Yes, I’ve changed the timer on the central heating. The rubbish bins and fridge are emptied. Bills are all paid to date.”

  They chatted for a few more minutes before she spoke again with her Mum.

  “I will text once I’ve landed and give you a call on Saturday”

  One final thing, she had decided to take Rob with her. She emailed the airline asking their advice on taking a loved one’s ashes. They replied that she could travel with them in her hand luggage provided they were stored in a plastic tub for x-ray / security purposes. She printed a copy of the email and placed it with her travel documents. Then found an airlock tub in the kitchen to decant the ashes into.

  She hesitated. “Come on Carrie, you can do this.”

  Lined up on the table she had placed the cylinder containing the ashes and the plastic tub.

  She picked up the cylinder and twisted the cap slowly until it separated from the container. She didn’t know what to expect to find when she looked in the tube as she had never opened it before. Hadn’t wanted to.

  A ziplock bag; just a simple ziplock bag containing his ashes.

  She opened the bag, stared for a few moments and poured half the quantity gently into the airlock tub. The remainder of the ashes she stored carefully away in the box in her bedroom back in a ziplock bag. Her decision was to scatter some ashes at the lighthouses and somewhere closer to home on her return, when she was ready.

  This she did not share with her family. She knew they wouldn’t understand fully what was driving her to make this trip or to take ‘Rob’ with her. She wanted to take him to the last place he wanted to visit. It felt right to do this.

  It was dark when the taxi arrived and the cul-de-sac quiet when she left. She had gone to bed at midnight but didn’t sleep. She was showered and dressed before the alarm went off at 3am. Her hair she dried straight and left it down to travel. In her bag she had packed some bands to tie it away if needed. When flying she always had a routine and it was one that she stuck to. She dressed in soft black trousers, a vest top with a shirt and boots with her grey blazer. Smart enough to travel but easy enough to change in the confined space in the cabin toilets for the duration of her flight. She had packed a warmer jacket in her suitcase for her trip.

  Wipes to remove her make-up, moisturiser to lash on and a little pair of flight socks. All of this packed in her bag. Mobile, ipad, chargers, international adaptors. The lighthouse book she packed in her hold luggage.

  At the airport she checked in without fuss or incident. Although it took slightly longer at security as she explained the contents of the airlock tub. After re-packing her belongings back into her bag she still had an hour until her flight boarded. There was no need to purchase any alcohol but something stopped her at the champagne display. Staring at the gold swirls advertising the luxury of the brands. The last holiday that they had taken together almost two years ago they had bought lots of champagne to drink. It was strange to her how the memory was blurred a little now. On impulse she picked up a bottle and soon the assistant was at her side with a basket. Carrie wandered through the remainder of the aisles stopping to test some of the perfume. She sprayed the tester for the Tom Ford perfume and added bottle to the basket. More of an evening scent she picked up the accompanying day version. It was time to try something different as she couldn’t wear her favourite scent anymore.

  Too many memories.

  Those early dates with Rob, her Wedding day, all of which were the reminder of many happy times. But now that favoured scent she associated with sad times and couldn’t bring herself to buy another bottle of it.

  She bought some magazines and a supply of chocolate for the flight along with a bumper bag of haribo. Still thirty minutes until boarding. Mmm time for a coffee.

  A couple of hours into the flight and Carrie changed her clothes. She removed her make-up, applied layers of moisturiser and returned to her seat. Five and a half hours to go. The couple seated next to each other had lifted the arm rest and were almost merg
ed together. They untangled and Carrie returned to her window seat. They resumed their position and Carrie stared out of the window. Nothing to see but clouds. Before she had boarded she had sent a text to her Mum but there was no reply and she had to turn her phone off.

  Carrie slept for the next few hours, ate a little of the in-flight meal and declined any alcohol. It wasn’t too bad. The love-struck couple remained stuck together for the majority of the flight and she hoped they hadn’t joined the mile high club whilst sitting next to her! Yuck.

  She changed clothes again, freshened up with the miracle that was baby wipes and stared at her reflection in the mirror of the cramped toilet. She opened one of the bottles of perfume and spritzed the unfamiliar scent. Feeling a bit more human she returned once again to her seat.

  The connecting flight wasn’t until another three hours. When she made the booking it hadn’t seemed quite so bad but now when she was waiting the time seemed endless. Luckily enough there were plenty of shops to browse at Newark until she boarded again. A few more purchases in her bag but nothing extravagant, just some knickknacks; key rings, statue of liberty’s (even though she didn’t leave the terminal!) and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

  At Portland it didn’t take that long to clear passport control before she could collect her luggage and proceed through the US customs and agriculture. Again she had to explain the nature of travelling with ‘Rob’ and she was glad for the millionth time that she had printed the email from the airline.

  The shuttle bus to the hotel was waiting and she was quickly transferred along with a few other travellers. Exhaustion was slowly creeping in from the lack of sleep before she left home to messing up her body clock with the flight. She sent a quick text to her Mum and sister that she had arrived was going to sleep and would contact them when she had surfaced. Cliché time but she was asleep before her head hit the pillow!