BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY Read online

  “Dear Tom & Joyce,

  I have enclosed some mementos of Rob as promised. I hope they won’t bring you any further upset but some comfort. I am sorry that I haven’t sent these sooner to you.

  Tom, I hope you love the coat as much as your son did. He always looked so handsome in it. But I understand if you can’t, I know you will find it a suitable home.

  You will be in my thoughts on the 14th.

  Love

  Carrie”

  The study looked empty a desk, chair and some filing cabinets. She had decided that now she was going to be an Auntie again she really needed to have a proper guest room for the children. When Harry had stayed over he usually slept in the travel cot but that wouldn’t be suitable for him and a little baby. She would wait until Claire told their parents about the new baby before breaking the news she was creating her own baby guest room. In her mind she refused to think of it as a nursery, just a baby guest room. Because a nursery would have been part of her future with Rob.

  She called a local charity and told them she had some furniture that she wanted to donate. A few days later the room was an empty shell. She went to the DIY store bought some paint to freshen the room and spent the next few days decorating. The carpet that was in the room was grubby and she also had it replaced.

  It wasn’t great but she was proud of her efforts. It had also occupied her mind as the days approached Rob’s anniversary. She looked on line and ordered some bedroom furniture for the room, ready assembled. All that was needed would be some soft furnishing, curtains, etc.

  A little retail therapy with her sister would complete the task.

  “Hi Claire, do you want to go shopping?”

  They arranged to meet the following day and sitting over a cup of tea, Carrie asked if her scan appointment had arrived.

  “Yes, I wanted to ask you to come with me but I totally understand if you can’t. Ryan can’t get time off work.”

  “Don’t be silly, of course I will come with you”

  “Carrie, the appointment is on the 14th”

  “Oh right ... I see ...” she continued to stir the spoon.

  “I understand Carrie, really I do. It is Rob’s anniversary and it will –“

  “No, Claire ... I will be there, what time?”

  “The appointment is at 2pm”

  “I will pick you up and we can take my car”

  They resumed their shopping and Carrie confessed to sorting out the study.

  “I sent the boxes to Tom & Joyce, finally got round to doing it. The room looked so empty and I had to do something”

  “Carrie, I think it’s very positive what you have been doing plus a room for Harry and baby even better!” she joked.

  “Ha! Does that mean I’m on permanent babysitter duties? They sent me a letter, no phone call, just a note. Thanking me... Oh God what a mess”

  “You gave them some comfort with their son’s possessions.”

  “Yeah but it should never have happened in the first place. Tom said he wore the coat to church. I’m glad. Rob would have liked that.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  Carrie had set the alarm clock although it wasn’t needed as she was awake before it sounded. She made the bed as she had done a million times before. Looked through her wardrobe for inspiration on what to wear and settled on jeans, a shirt and her usual winter boots. After showering and dressing she still had five hours until she was due to pick Claire up for the hospital. She emptied the hamper and separated clothes to wash, started to vacuum the room and occupy as much time as possible before she had to leave. She pulled the bed forward to vacuum and there were three shiny pennies. They hadn’t been there when she did the same task the previous week. How did they get there? Was that ‘woman Sheena’ right? Where they from Rob? Or was it simply that she was losing her mind? She picked them up and added them to the dish with the others. But she refused to let this upset her. She knew she had to keep it together as today was going to be hard enough.

  She made a cup of tea her cure-all for almost everything and went through the mail that had been delivered. Some utility bills, quotes for car insurance renewal and an envelope with a US stamp. She opened this recognising the neat hand writing of her Auntie Belle.

  The notelet had a picture of a calla lily on the front.

  “Hello my darling Carrie.

  Just a little note to tell you even though I am miles away, you are in my thoughts and prayers today. Today will be hard but I know you will get through it. We all love you very much.

  Now hopefully you have received this little note in time and not too late!

  Speak soon.

  Love

  B x”

  Carrie was touched by the gesture of the card which was so like her Aunt to do. She placed it on the side table, sipped her tea and discarded the remainder of the mail unread. Her Mum called, just for a chat but Carrie knew she was checking up on her.

  “I got a card in the post from Belle. Did she tell you she was sending it?”

  “No Carrie, I have spoken with her in a week or so. She was travelling when I last caught up with her. So what are your plans for later? Do you want to meet for lunch?”

  Carrie nearly slipped up and said she was taking Claire to the hospital.

  “I’m meeting Claire to do a bit of shopping. I’ve been redecorating upstairs, just the study. I er well I’ve changed it back to a bedroom.”

  She told her Mum about sending the boxes to her in-laws and donating the study furniture to charity.

  “It’s for the best Carrie, but only you know when you are ready to make these changes. We can’t make them for you but I’m pleased that Joyce and Tom have some things of Rob at this time.”

  She agreed to pop round later after seeing Claire to pacify her Mum that she was okay. She left a little earlier than planned, stopped off at one of the charity shops with some bags of clothes of her own. Clothes that no longer fitted due to her weight loss and that she knew she wouldn’t wear again. In some ways it seemed like she was throwing her old life away but she wasn’t, it was her way of letting go. She found a parking space outside Claire’s with relative ease and buzzed the intercom.

  “Carrie, can you come up I’m not ready yet?”

  Three flights later she got to Claire’s door.

  “Jeez Claire, how are you going to manage this with two babies?”

  “Well Hello to you too sis!”

  “Sorry” she panted a little out of breath.

  “I don’t know but we’ve got three more months on the lease. I had a look on-line at some other houses but the budget we’ve got doesn’t stretch very far.”

  “I think there’s a house near mine that’s got a letting sign up. I will check it out later for you, get some details.”

  “Okay but I’m not holding out much luck there, I think it might be too pricey for us. Anyway, Harry’s been playing up this morning. He was kicking his shoes off and running away.”

  After a dash round the flat they gathered all the paraphernalia required when travelling with a toddler, pushchair, changing bag, snack and drink.

  They secured Harry in his car seat despite his wriggles for freedom and drove to the hospital.

  The nearer they got the feeling of dread rose in Carries stomach. They were going to the same hospital that she had been at a year ago to view Rob’s body. Outwardly she didn’t show this to Claire knowing that her sister was already anxious with the upcoming appointment. It had started to rain and Carrie pulled into the canopy area of the hospital entrance.

  “You go on in and I will find a parking space.”

  Claire took Harry with her. Carrie would bring his pram from the boot of the car once she got parked. She drove round a few times before finally finding a space.

  The hospital maternity unit was located on a separate building, away from the main entrance. She pushed the empty pram passed the main entrance and along towards the maternity unit. But there it was like a punch in her stomach
was the sign for the Mortuary. Waves of pain coursed through her as the memories of last year resurfaced and she began to shake.

  “Oh God!” she whispered and closed her eyes as if to block out the sight.

  Rain drops were falling down her face as she had stopped, mingling with the tears on her cheeks. She wiped them away with the sleeve of her jacket and slowly walked towards the entrance. She tried to compose herself before she met up with her sister in the ante-natal appointments area. Claire was fretting, anxious for the scan and anxious to use the bathroom.

  “What took you so long? I need to wee sooooo badly but I can’t until the scan has been done. You would think with advances in technology that they could do a scan without needing a full bladder!”

  “I’m sure the scientists are working on that right now Claire!”

  “Very funny Carrie, just you wait until the tables are turned and you need a wee so much that you will need a spill kit!”

  “Oh I think the chances of that for me Claire are very slim”

  The irony of the situation lost on Claire and Carrie knew this was her sister stressing about the imminent appointment.

  “Carrie you have mascara streaks on your face from the rain, here have a baby wipe to clean your face”

  Carrie rummaged through her bag for a compact mirror, used the baby wipe to clean the black smudges round her eyes that were caused from tears not the rain. But she didn’t correct her sister. She busied herself putting Harry back into the pram and he didn’t object this time. He reached over and pulled at the blue / black butterfly scarf she wore. She gently removed his tiny had and swapped the end of her scarf for his toy car.

  “It won’t be long now Claire”

  Twenty minutes later Claire was called through. Carrie accompanied her pushing a sleeping Harry in his pram. Claire was chatting away, explaining they were sisters and not a same sex couple; just in case the nurse wondered. Well anything was possible these days she added. Carrie let her rabble on whilst the sonographer prepared for the scan asking Claire questions about her previous pregnancy.

  For Carrie it was an amazing sight to witness the miracle of the life that was growing inside her sister. The black and white screen pulsing with the activity. There were tears falling down both their faces as they were assured that the baby was growing healthily and that Claire was 12 weeks pregnant. She was given a due date of 3rd October.

  Carrie stared at the little black and white scrap of paper at what she would describe as looking at a peanut and again marvelled at the joy of it.

  It was a subdued Carrie who returned her sister home, baby Harry in tow. Claire had decided to wait until Ryan was home and then they would tell both sets of parents the good news. Carrie was sworn to secrecy that she would not blab whilst visiting their parents. She felt like her head was going to explode with the emotions of grief, joy and envy for her sister’s news and then a bit of shame at feeling the envy. Once Claire was secured back home she declined the offer of tea and made the excuse that she was leaving for their Mums house. But instead of the familiar journey to their parents’ home Carrie drove to a local park. She walked for about fifteen minutes then sat on one of the empty park benches and cried silent tears. She didn’t know what she was crying for, couldn’t explain the pit of pain that she felt. Was it because today was Rob’s anniversary or was it jealousy of her sister’s news? She felt happiness for Claire but she had so wanted it to be her that had that opportunity, that gift of new life.

  She was oblivious to the rain that began to drop until it soaked through her jeans and she began to shiver. The park had emptied of people walking their dogs and the rain began to pour down in torrents. This shook her from her lethargy and she made the journey back to her car. Her jacket offering no protection to the rain. Once she reached her car she turned on the heater and tried to warm a little. Looking in the mirror she rubbed the black lines of mascara that were smudged from rain and tears. She took her jacket off, flung it on the back seat of the car and it slid off the leather seats onto the floor. She adjusted the dials on the heater, tried to stop the windows misting, and then called her Mum.

  “Mum, I don’t think I will make it over this afternoon. I went for a walk.. Got caught in the rain”

  They chatted for a few more minutes before Carrie hung up. After assuring her mother that she was fine and she didn’t say anything about Claire’s news.

  It took a little longer to get home as she was soon stuck in rush hour traffic but the journey passed without incident. As soon as she got home she ran the bath, needed the hot water to take the chill away that felt as though it had permeated through to her bones. She added the oils and bubbles to the water as she automatically did. The radio was on in the background as Carrie attempted to block out the silence of being alone in the house. The chill began to leave her body and she could wriggle her toes with some feeling in them.

  The DJ introduced the next song. “Last Request by Paolo Nutini”

  Carrie shot out of the bath and turned off the radio.

  That song was her ‘First Dance’ with Rob at their wedding. Today of all days she couldn’t listen to it. If it was the sign she was looking for from Rob it was the wrong one.

  She crumpled onto the floor.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  She sat on the sofa, her usual position of legs tucked under and a glass of wine. The ‘lighthouse’ book lay next to her. Since her return from Cornwall last August it had lain hidden away on in the drawer, out of sight. But today she was drawn to looking at it again. A sip of wine as Dutch courage and she picked the book up. What was she afraid of? The book wasn’t going to bite. All those months ago when she had originally found it she had been happy to have a final link with Rob. Now she didn’t know what to think.

  She had taken to going for walks in the park, cleaning her house into a frenzy and alternating with days that she just didn’t want to get out of bed. But her absence in the Reynolds family gatherings was not going un-noticed. Her cousin Marie was very vocal in Carrie ‘Pulling herself together’ or another classic line she had heard was ‘Are you dating yet?’ So far she had avoided a christening, her cousins twenty first party and another cousins happy divorce party coincidently the same cousin Marie’s party. In her absence she had sent her regrets and gifts. But on her calendar next month the day before birthday her Aunt Peggy and Uncle Johns ruby wedding anniversary. Amongst the Reynolds family it was joked that that a family party was the cause of her early birth. Her Mum had been late having Claire and assumed Carrie would be the same. She danced throughout the night and when she got home telling her husband she was feeling unwell everyone assumed it was from her dancing activities. Not suspecting that her labour had started. Within hours of returning home she was on her way to the hospital. At 07.05am Carrie made her appearance. Every year and every anniversary party that came and went it was referred to. The ruby anniversary was a party she could not shy away from.

  She had three months left of the sabbatical and the break from work with the responsibilities it brought had been a relief. Would she go back in three months’ time? She didn’t know but there was time enough to think about that later.

  She picked up the book. Heavy in her hands. It was more of a coffee table type book. Illustrated with glossy pictures of New England lighthouses. She flicked through the pages and stopped at page 23. There on the rocks a single yellow butterfly. Page 37 and 51 were the same – a single yellow butterfly.

  A shiver ran through her body from top to toe.

  On page 23 – Portland Head Light in Cape Elizabeth. The waves were crashing on the rocks below the lighthouse and buildings. There she could see the yellow butterfly clear and crisp.

  On page 37 – Portland Breakwater Light. Again the yellow butterfly on the rocks.

  Finally page 51 Cape Neddick ‘Nubble’ Lighthouse. No surprizes that there also was a butterfly on that page.

  A plan began to form in her brain; she would go and see the lighthouses.
r />   It made sense, didn’t it?

  Before she talked herself out of it, she turned on the ipad and started her research. She felt that fate was driving this decision and that Portland was the place to go to. Three hours later she had booked the flights. Gulp! She couldn’t fly direct from Glasgow but could fly to New York and then get a connecting flight to Portland. As she was on ‘sabbatical’ from work that negated the need to request any leave or vacation time. No pets to look after or plants to water. She was free as a bird. The flights were booked for three days’ time with an open return ticket and a hire car too. She would look for accommodation tomorrow once she had researched the area a bit better. Weather wise she didn’t know what to expect for June but at least it wasn’t snowing. An almost ideal time to travel but she would have to pack warm and well for her trip.

  The only fly in the ointment would be telling her parents and sister of her plans.

  Tomorrow would be time enough for that.

  Making her travel arrangements had distracted her for the evening from thinking too much about Rob. But for the first time in months she had a purpose again and it felt good.

  When she made her way to bed a short time later she was weary with the need to rest. She removed the carefully arranged pillows and throw from the bed. Folded them neatly onto the chair next to her dressing table and pulled back the duvet. A quick visit to the bathroom to brush her teeth and she was ready for bed. There on her pillow a shiny penny. It hadn’t been there a moment ago when she fixed the bed, she was sure of it. She picked the penny up and placed it on the side table in the dish next to ‘Robs’ ashes.