BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY Read online

  “Please respect what I am telling you. I don’t want to be with anyone for Christmas. I want you all to enjoy the festivities without me. Please make happy Santa memories with Harry”

  With reluctance she agreed to join them for New Year after getting out of Christmas. But Mother Nature threw a spanner in the works. Carrie had decided to join them after a few days but the snow put paid to that. The road north closed and the police advised drivers not travel unless it was absolutely necessary.

  “Mum, I will be fine on my own. Give a big kiss to Harry for me and if the weather breaks I will try and travel in a few days”

  Carrie turned off her mobile and unplugged the house phone. She had of course pre-warned her family of this intention as she didn’t want to cause any alarm. Didn’t want a chap at her door if no-one could rouse her. The bottle of champagne was chilling in the ice-bucket; her ipod was on a playlist of their favourite songs and the TV on in the background. No fancy clothes, just her pyjamas and slippers as her attire. She opened the champagne and poured two glasses.

  She stopped the music and turned the volume up on the TV.

  10... 9 ... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1

  “Happy New Year! Let’s continue the party for 2014,” the announcer cheered.

  She raised a glass and chinked it with the solitary glass on the table.

  “Happy New Year Rob”

  Over the new few hours she drank the remainder of the champagne and then opened some wine. When the wine was finished she drank vodka and even had some brandy. She raided the cupboard for anything to give an alcoholic kick to her system to numb the pain and loneliness that was tearing her apart.

  The drunker she became the more morose she became and alcohol could not relieve how she was feeling. Crying and mumbling to herself, she poured another brandy and nursed holding the stem of the glass. Swirling and swirling the amber liquid, almost hypnotic and she fell asleep. The brandy glass falling from her hand contents spilling down her top and the sofa. With a thud the empty glass landed onto the carpet.

  “Ohhh My God!” she groaned as she woke. The smell of alcohol on her clothes almost making her sick. Her head pounding with what seemed like the worse hangover of her life. She picked the glass from the floor at her feet and surveyed the room. It looked like she had had a party. Photo albums from their wedding and vacations littered the floor. It had taken getting drunk to bring her to look at those photos. The storybook albums open at a picture of them artfully posed and smiling. Carrie in her ballgown style wedding dress eyes full of love and happiness gazing up at Rob in his morning suit. The dress was carefully packed away in the loft. She had dreamed of creating a new family heirloom, of a daughter or even a granddaughter to pass it down to. It had been her perfect wedding dress and she had felt like a princess. Everything was meticulously packed away in tissue. The dainty tiara and veil along with the elegant shoes. Through a vague haze she remembered that she had held the album tight in her arms as if trying to reach through glossy pages to touch him. That’s when she had fallen to the floor, still clutching the album and rocked back and forth tears streaming down her face.

  But Rob’s solitary glass remained with the contents untouched on the coffee table the fizz long gone.

  A glass of water and some painkillers later she headed for the shower. Time enough later to clean up her mess.

  She wrapped her hair in a towel whilst she stood contemplating what to wear. Even though she had no intention of going anywhere the path needed to be cleared of the snow that had cumulated. No Rob to clear it. She dressed in her usual weekend at home attire of jeans and a t-shirt but added a sweater for warmth. She located the snow shovel from the garage and made work of clearing the path and drive way. The surrounding houses in the cul-de-sac had decorated the outside of the houses with lights and animated figures. It looked like Santa’s grotto. Carries house was bare. No reindeer or flashing Santa this year. No Christmas tree or decorations which usually adorned the house. Christmas had been one of Carrie’s favourite times of year. It had begun to snow again a light dusting on the ground and she returned to the house frozen from her activity. While she waited for the kettle to boil she called her Mum. Time to face the music and speak to her family. Her head still a dull ache.

  Multitasked getting her tea ready and warmed her hand on the mug to take away the chill. Last year they had a snow ball fight, cleared the drive and recovered from their activities with hot chocolate and marshmallows. A bittersweet memory.

  “Happy New Year Mum”

  “Carrie! Where have you been? I’ve been calling the house for hours. We were thinking of driving back home if I didn’t speak to you soon!”

  Thoroughly chastised, Carrie apologised for any worry.

  “I’ve been clearing the path whilst the snow stopped”

  “Well, I’ve been worried sick Carrie. Don’t do anything like that again!”

  Feeling like 12 instead of 28 Carrie was also reprimanded by her Dad.

  “Carrie, your Mum doesn’t mean to sound harsh. She was worried when we couldn’t get an answer on the house or the mobile.”

  After this dressing down she was then given similar treatment from her sister.

  “Mum and Dad have been going out of their mind! We all have.”

  “I’m sorry Claire. Truth be told, I’m little hung-over too. I thought having a drink might distract me. I can tell you drinking alone isn’t a good idea.” she told her sister about her marathon drinking session and her hangover from hell. It was unspoken but she guessed from all of their reactions that they were worried that she might have done something ‘silly’ and took her own life.

  “Oh Carrie!”

  She didn’t tell her sister that she had a New Year toast with a glass for Rob or the photo albums. That was too private to share even with her sister.

  Returning from work after the festive closure the topic of the weather dominated the conversation. Honestly, you would think people had never seen snow before. Roads that were gritted or not, areas to avoid if they hadn’t and the freeze that would surely follow.

  “That car park is an accident waiting to happen! It will be the death of someone.” Tina exclaimed. “Oh Sorry Carrie, no offense” she said over her should as she walked through the office.

  Carrie ignored her as her phone began to ring. She was glad of the distraction as she wasn’t up for a verbal spat with Tina again as it had been strained now for the last few months since her return to work.

  The Valentines celebrations last month had been particularly difficult in that year of firsts. Almost as soon as the Christmas decorations are down the shops are full of love hearts and romantic promise. Those displays of public affection and declarations are unavoidable. She had lit a red candle in remembrance. Watched the candle burn down until the wick dissolved.

  “Good Morning, You are through to AGM, Carrie speaking. How may help you?”

  The call was from Mr Groves a regular customer of Carries. He was calling to review a pending order and check the delivery information. It wasn’t unusual for him to call but given the mix up order he checked every minute detail of his confirmation. Carrie had always liked having Mr Groves as a customer. He even sent her a sympathy card when Rob died offering kind words of condolence.

  “Yes, Mr Groves... I’ve added the extra stock to your order. Our despatch team will confirm availability. I have estimated our best dates at present will be week 10, yes that’s week commencing 10th March 2014”

  She finished the call and updated his customer notes, distracted with the despatch date just a couple of days before Rob’s first anniversary.

  Then events spiralled out of control. The missing file, her altercation with Tina and quitting her job.

  Carrie didn’t remember her car journey. Her box of possessions rolling around in the boot of the car. At the last minute she did a detour and drove to her sisters instead of home. The communal door was open and Carrie didn’t need to buzz her sister to gain
entry. She raced up the stairs and wondered for the millionth time how her sister managed this every day with a toddler in tow. She chapped the door, no answer. Chapped again and checked her watch it was 11.30am and she was sure Claire would have been home. Hadn’t even thought to call ahead she was too pre-occupied replaying the events of the morning. She rummaged through her bag again to try and find her mobile but just as she located it the door opened.

  Claire stood looking dishevelled and had been crying.

  “Carrie, what are you doing here?”

  “Never mind why I’m here. What’s wrong? Is Harry okay? Where’s Ryan?”

  She ushered her sister back in the house and walked into the living room.

  “Yes, he’s fine. He is having his morning nap. Ryan’s at work. It’s me.. I don’t know what I’m going to do!” she wailed and started to cry.

  It was Carrie who comforted her sister whilst she continued to cry.

  “What’s happened Claire? Tell me”

  “I’m pregnant Carrie! I don’t know what I’m going to do, I ah ah ah” she sobbed.

  “It’s okay Claire, everything will be okay.”

  “How can it be okay Carrie? Harry is only 26 months. Ryan’s contract finishes again at the end of the month and we are stuck in this crummy flat that you can’t swing a cat in!”

  “I take it this is a surprise pregnancy?”

  “Yes ... it sure is ... this is what happens when you are stuck in a lodge in the snow for three days in the middle of nowhere!!!”

  “Oh Claire! Maybe next time stick to playing twister!” she tried to joke.

  Claire started to laugh then cry again.

  “Come on, time for a cup of tea. In your condition nothing stronger I’m afraid medicinal or otherwise!”

  Carrie fixed the cups whilst Claire washed her face.

  “Silly question I know, but are you sure you are pregnant?”

  The home test was presented to Carrie. The display reading ‘positive’.

  “I’d say that’s a yes. Wouldn’t you? Plus I’ve had most of the symptoms I had with Harry. This morning I had a really bad bout of morning sickness and knew I had to bite the bullet and take the test. I’ve had the test in my bag the last few days. I just wasn’t ready for the confirmation and finality of it all.”

  “What are you going to do? What about Ryan? Have you told him?”

  She shook her head.

  “Looks like I might have to take Mum and Dad up on those offers of moving back home. There won’t be room in here for the baby. Ryan doesn’t know yet, I will tell him tonight. But I know he will be over the moon. He would have a squad of kids if it were possible!”

  Harry began to stir, his cry wailing into the room.

  “Leave him to me, Claire. I will check on him”

  Ten minutes later Carrie returned. Harry’s nappy changed and he was back sleeping soundly. This interruption had given Claire an opportunity to recover and regain her composure. Carrie couldn’t remember Claire being flustered or upset like this before.

  “Okay, now we’ve shared my news ... why aren’t you at work?”

  “I think I’ve just quit!”

  Carrie went through her morning and run in with Tina and the ‘gang’

  “What a cheek. I’ve a good mind to go down there and speak to them. Won the bloody lottery! Who does she think she is?”

  CHAPTER NINE

  She had a voicemail at home when she returned after visiting Claire asking her to call the HR department. She declined. Her phone had beeped alerting her to a text. It was Debbie from work. Just one word. Sorry. She hit the delete button.

  Well sorry wouldn’t wash it for her. She felt betrayed and hurt. Was she such a pitiful mess? Looking in the mirror she was a shell of her former self but that’s what grief does to you and she refused to apologise for that.

  Two days later the letter arrived from HR. After consideration and recognition of her contribution to the company they offered her a six month sabbatical on full pay. They wanted her to use this time to express her grief and recover believing that she had returned to work too soon after the shock of her loss. But the best of all she thought was the leaflet enclosed with contact details for the employee helpline. How patronising was that? They trusted that she would accept this offer and their continued support.

  “What do you think Dad? Should I accept their offer?” Carrie had handed her father the letter from HR. Her Dad was her go to and had been a rock with all the paperwork associated with Rob’s death. It was a minefield.

  “After everything you have been through I think you should take some time off at their expense!”

  “Mmm I suppose so. I know that I should look for something else to do. I don’t want to work somewhere that I am unhappy in. I just want to get back to being the old me.”

  “Carrie, your Mum and I want that for you too. Rob wouldn’t have wanted you to pine away like this for him”

  Carrie sobbed softly in the arms of her father.

  “I can’t go on like this. Crying all the time! It hurts too much and what if that woman was right? What if he is here with me?”

  “If you want to believe he is with you, then do that. If that brings you comfort Carrie then that’s all we can ask for.”

  Sunday lunch was a leisurely affair and Carries Mum had everything down to a fine art. Any offer of assistance was gently rebuffed until requested. Carrie helped finish setting the dining table. Claire was attempting to secure Harry into the highchair but he was wriggling like a worm on a fishing line.

  “Something tells me someone doesn’t want to have lunch?”

  “Oh he is impossible today”

  “Hey little man, what you doing?” Carrie distracted Harry enough for her sister to fasten him into the chair.

  “There .. got you!”

  “So have you told the parents yet?”

  “No, I want to wait until I’ve had my first scan. The doctor thinks I should get an appointment through in the next couple of weeks”

  “Okay, how did Ryan take the news?”

  “He’s ecstatic but I have warned him not to breathe a word! Shhh change the subject here’s Mum”

  “Lunch is ready; boys turn that TV off and join us in the dining room”

  The football match was abandoned in pursuit of food.

  She swore her Mum added more food to her plate than anyone else’s in her attempt to fatten Carrie up.

  “Have you heard from Auntie Belle Mum?” Claire queried trying to distract her mother from her aversion to the roast beef on her plate. Pregnancy was playing havoc with her appetite.

  “Yes, she called last night. She is still consulting for that playboy Devanti. But she loves the pace of life just now. Thinks they want her to do some more work and if that’s what she wants to do, then that’s what she will do. You know what Belle is like; I stopped trying to boss her around when I was ten years old!”

  “I had a lovely stay last year, have you thought about going down soon Mum, you and Dad haven’t been for ages”

  “It’s impossible just now to get your Dad away from work. He finally agreed on retirement and to look for a partner for the practise. These things take time I know but your Dad has worked hard and I want us to enjoy life together”

  Their father was deep in conversation with Ryan and hadn’t heard their discussion. Harry banged on the tray, demanding their attention.

  “Okay little man, open up, time for some lovely potatoes cooked by Granny”

  He blew a raspberry in response.

  “Oh well Mum, I guess that’s what he thinks of Granny’s cooking!”

  Carrie had finally contacted her in-laws. She wanted to courier the boxes to them but wanted to make sure they were still in the country.

  “Hello Joyce, Its Carrie, How have you been?”

  The conversation was stilted and the briefest of pleasantries were exchanged.

  “I just wanted to check you weren’t on your travels, I thought
you might like some things of Rob’s”

  There was a clatter as the phone was dropped.

  “Hello, hello?”

  “Hi Carrie, its Tom. Mum’s just taking a moment to compose herself” Her father in law always referred to his wife as Mum.

  “That’s okay, I was just wondering if you were at home, I eh erm I have some boxes of Rob’s things. I thought you might want them, some pictures and mementos, things like that. I know he would have wanted you both to have them.”

  “Thanks Carrie, we would really love that. Mum will too I know. We will be home for the next few weeks before we go to Spain to the villa”

  Carrie arranged that she would have the boxes couriered in the next few days.

  After hanging up, she had a rummage through the garage to find the boxes that had been there for almost a year. She assembled the document boxes that had secure lids, gaps for handles and were a bit sturdier for transporting. The dining table had become her base for this task. She poured some wine, Dutch courage and opened the first box.

  “Phew … Breathe Carrie, breathe” she expelled a large breathe of air. “Okay, okay, okay”

  The first thing she saw was Rob’s smiling face.

  “Oh Rob!”

  She picked up the picture and held it close to her chest.

  When she had packed the boxes previously, she had little recollection of the items that she had picked. She now lined the box with bubble wrap and started to carefully transfer the items. Pictures and trophies she secured with more bubble wrap. In the end she filled four boxes. There were other items from the study and around the house that she wanted to give to them. Although, there was one item she debated about sending. Rob had a grey woollen overcoat. It was tailored for his tall body and he always looked so smart wearing it. It had been dry cleaned and hanging in the wardrobe for weeks before he died. Ready for another winter of use. Carrie knew Bill was of similar build and she thought he might like this personal item of his son. That he might even wear it to church or would donate it to someone who would need it if he couldn’t do that.