BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY Read online

  Her head was pounding from the tears and she was exhausted. Retreating downstairs she closed the door of the study firmly and searched for some painkillers hoping to dull the headache.

  “No … me wanna up .. peese … tantie … peese ..” Harry was pulling at Carrie’s legs, wanting her to pick up him. Minutes before she had put him back on the floor to play with his toys whilst she helped her sister with Sunday lunch. How could she resist his angelic pleading?

  “Okay, trouble. Up we go”

  Resting him on her hip, he changed position and tucked his little body into hers. She kissed the top of his head and blonde curls smelled his ‘baby’ smell of lotions and baby powder. She adored her nephew and felt a moment of guilt that she hadn’t spent much time with him recently. He had started to walk and Claire assured her he was into ‘everything’ in the house. They had to re baby-proof the flat. With a pang again she felt the loss of not having a baby with Rob. That she wouldn’t share this with him. When she had the spread sheet plotted out with days to conceive she was convinced that that she would have been pregnant by now. Another pang of loss, of a never could or would be with Rob.

  “How’s work?” Claire asked whilst she multitasked the final food preparations for lunch.

  “Mmm where do I begin? Pretty rubbish at the moment. I feel like I just don’t fit in anymore. Not because of what happened with Rob. It’s just not the same, maybe its time for a change of scene. Oh I don’t know!” Harry began to wriggle again in her arms. “Okay you, back to Gran. Mum can you take Harry whilst I help Claire finish up with lunch?”

  With their Mum out of earshot. “I don’t want to worry Mum and Dad .. well you know they worry anyway .. but I’m still in a sort of limbo”

  “How? What’s happened?”

  Carrie explained a couple of incidents that had occurred, the wrong order, being late and HR monitoring her.

  “Don’t worry Carrie. They don’t expect you to perform miracles back in the office. You just need to adjust, find your feet again and it will all come together”

  Food was ready to serve and they carried the dishes through to the dining table. “And if that doesn’t work give that Tina a slap! Or I will if she keeps up her bitching”

  Harry’s highchair was pulled into the space where normally Rob would have sat. Carrie alternated with Claire feeding Harry whilst he banged the little baby spoon on the tray. Mashed potatoes smeared all over his face whilst he smiled his toothy grin, displaying his tiny two front teeth. The distraction of Harry had also helped her clear her own dinner plate. She couldn’t remember when she had last finished a meal. She wasn’t sure if packets of hob nobs were considered nutritional!

  No time like the present to give her parents ‘the present’.

  “Mum and Dad I’ve got something for you both from Rob” Her parents looked at her quizzically and she carried on speaking “It’s a voucher for La Vie, I found it in his study yesterday.”

  “Oh Carrie” her Mum clutched at the envelope. “That was so like Rob. So thoughtful.”

  “I’ll take Harry for his bath” Carrie picked up her nephew, couldn’t stand to stay in the room whilst everyone took in the enormity of her bombshell. That’s why she had waited until after dinner. She left the room as her Dad comforted her Mum as she too began to cry.

  Carrie took solace in bath time with Harry. He was just like his Auntie and loved the bath full of bubbles. Splashing water everywhere he truly was a water baby. She dodged the splashes his hands were happily making. Lost in the distraction of bath time and getting Harry ready for bed the time soon passed. She felt such a burst of love for this baby as she stroked his soft cheek cuddling him in her arms. Her sister took over the final administrations and he was soon cocooned in his cot, the nightlight shining a soft glow in the room.

  “Fingers crossed that’s him asleep ‘til morning.”

  Carrie was persuaded to stay the night but she didn’t put up much resistance. Her empty home held little attraction to rush back to. They opened another bottle of wine after their parents went home. For the first time in months Carrie relaxed and even managed to get through the evening without thinking about Rob every waking moment. A duvet and pillows and she settled onto the sofa to sleep. The guest bedroom now occupied with Harry’s cot but Carrie didn’t mind sleeping on the sofa. That’s where she slept the most at home, preferred it to the empty expanse of her bed.

  It was a muffled thump, thump noise that woke her from her slumber. She sat up temporarily disorientated as to where she was, her head feeling a bit achy from the effects of the wine, her mouth dry. Then she remembered she was at Claire’s house. The noise was coming from the neighbour’s house having yet another party. Voices carrying in the communal stairway, echoing through the old tenement building. She looked at her wristwatch it was 3am. As quiet as she could she went to boil the kettle and make some tea.

  “Jeez are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

  “I didn’t think anyone else was awake!” Carrie answered “Thought a cup of tea would help me get back to sleep”

  “What’s sleep? Another quiet night in with the neighbours! If it’s not party, party, party next door... then it’s Harry teething”

  Carrie took over from making the tea and they sat back on the sofa.

  “I’m so tired Carrie. Harry is great and I love being a Mum but I didn’t recon it would be so much hard work. This is the first night he’s slept through in ages and now the bloody neighbours have started again. If they wake him! I will swing for them. I complained again to my landlord but they are useless!”

  “Did you renew your lease? Is there anything else you can do? What about complaining to the university?”

  “Yeah, signed on for another year. We just had too much going on to look for anywhere else. That’s us stuck until next summer unless we break the lease and lose our deposit. We are stuck.” Carrie knew that ‘too much going on’ translated to Rob dying and everything being up in the air. They hadn’t spoken properly in months and Carrie felt guilty that her sister was going through her own troubles supporting her whilst she was stuck in her bubble. She knew Claire was trying to shield her and not add to her burden.

  “Have things picked up in work for Ryan?” Her brother-in-law was a bricklayer and with the whole country, no never mind that, with the world coming to an economic halt work had dried up. People were struggling to keep a hold of the houses they had and the building of new estates were postponed.

  “It’s patchy, a shift here and shift there. But Mike – you know from our wedding” she didn’t but nodded her head “There’s word of an estate that’s due to begin next week and he’s put Ryan forward for a job there; just waiting now to hear if he will get the thumbs up or not and to be honest we could do with a break. I’m thinking about going back to work. Mum’s offered to help with childcare. I don’t want to but I might need to look for something if this job doesn’t work out for Ryan”

  A half an hour later they were still chatting, the tea finished and the neighbours had finally finished their party.

  “Okay sis, time to try and get some sleep, again! Thanks for listening to my grumbles”

  “Hey, thanks for listening to mine over the last six months I couldn’t have gotten through it without you Claire”

  “Carrie, I wish I had the right words to say, to make things better for you, but just know that I care. We all care for you”

  They shared a hug and Carrie settled back down on the sofa to sleep but her mind was whirring and trying to think of solutions to Claire’s predicament.

  Spending time with her sister had given her a sense of purpose again but still she dreaded the coming months and the remainder of her year of firsts. She already had her first birthday without Rob and just round the corner would have been Rob’s thirty-ninth birthday. They had joked that this would be the last of his ‘thirties’ and they would need to celebrate it in style before he hit the big 40. His birthday was a few weeks away and sh
e now planned to take some time off work to visit Auntie Belle. Thought it best to get away from Glasgow from family and well-meaning friends. A bit of distance from work would do her good too.

  Within a couple of days and several phone calls trying to track her Auntie Belle down she made arrangements to visit. Although she could have drove or got a flight she decided to get the train from Glasgow to Newquay. A feat in itself as she would be travelling for almost twelve hours – give or take and a couple of changes in station. But she didn’t want to drive that far or fly on her own.

  Auntie Belle was delighted to have her stay and was convinced it was her persistent phone calls that had prompted the trip. Carrie knew her parents were glad that she was going away for a couple of weeks but not too far away. When Carrie requested the time off work Fiona gladly signed her holiday request off. A bit too easy for Carrie’s liking but she didn’t argue the point. It had been a tough six months since Rob died and she knew she was heading for burn out if she continued the way she was. A trip with Belle always seemed to put Carrie back on track. Growing up she wanted to be a dancer. She would dance and sing putting on her own ‘show’ for the family. Her family indulged her and she had dance lessons as a young child. Dreamed of dancing professionally in the theatre she auditioned for a place in the dance and music school for her high school education. It was a life she embraced and she displayed all the enthusiasm, professionalism and skills to become a dancer. Then life threw her, her first real curve ball. She had applied for her university place, prepared for her exams then her life changed. Her parents were decorating and the house was in disarray. Scaffolding had been erected in the hallway to reach the high ceilings, dust sheets and various other decorating paraphernalia littered the floor. Carrie had forgotten a school book and returned to her bedroom to retrieve it whilst her mother waited patiently at the door, giving her a lift that day to school. She called out to Carrie to be careful but in Carries head the warning was to be aware of the drying paint work. She dodged the scaffold beam as she raced down the stairs, thinking ahead of her date that night with Tommy her boyfriend of eight months. Tucked into the right angle of the third stair, hidden under the dust sheets the stainless steel tube of the scaffold. Carries foot hit it and the tube rolled with the momentum of her foot like a log in water. She pitched, losing her balance frantically reaching out to grab and stop her body from falling. Her mother could only watch on in horror as this played out in front of her. A scene that repeatedly haunted her over the years with the what if’s. What if Carrie hadn’t returned to her room? What if the decorators had cleared up properly?

  But no what if’s could have stopped what happened. Carrie tumbled down the stairs, her heel stuck in the dust sheet and her grappling hands had pulled the scaffolding after her. She screamed out in shock and pain with the knock of falling forward her head cracking on the polished wooden floor when the motion of her body moving stopped. Kate too screamed as her daughter lay unconscious on the floor. Carries father heard the commotion and stopped Kate as she reached out to cradle Carries head. “STOP, you can’t move her.” A sight that haunted him too.

  Weeks in hospital, pins in her ankle to repair the breakage and months of physiotherapy her dream of dancing over. Although it had healed it would never be able to withstand the rigour of hours of physical work that dancing demanded. Carrie was heartbroken and went off the rails for a little while. She didn’t want to do her drama course at university as it would be torture for her to be close to her friends who were dancing and she could not follow that dream. Poor Tommy was soon no longer her boyfriend as she started to mix with a different crowd, rebelling from what was normal. She acted out on her poor parents who were beside themselves with their own guilt at her accident happening at home. She started to hang around with a different crowd, stayed out late, even got drunk one night and Claire came to her rescue. Around this time it was decided that Carrie would join Auntie Belle for the summer. It was to be a change of scene their own version of an intervention. Carrie was disinterested in their suggestion but went along with it. Anything to stop her mother nagging her and their constant bickering. Belle was working in a hotel in Northumberland and had rented out a flat for the summer. Carrie stayed with her but was put through her paces in various departments in the hotel. She learned how to make the perfect box pleat when making a bed, how to change a duvet cover without getting lost in metres of fabric, how to buff the tap wear in the bathrooms until it was gleaming. Skills she could transfer to her own home and gave her eyes an attention to detail. From housekeeping she was sent to help in the restaurants and worked split shifts. Helping out with the breakfast service, a few hours off in between then back for the dinner service. This she enjoyed the interaction with the public and building camaraderie with the kitchen and waitress staff. She rarely saw her Aunt during the day but in the evenings they shared a meal when they could. The other staff gave her no preferential treatment. It stopped her feeling homesick which given her recent behaviour surprised her with the intensity of missing her parents and sister. But within a few weeks she had adjusted. Slowly Carrie moved on from the angry teenager who was in revolt with her life to wanting a career. Her university option changed to hotel and hospitality.

  So Auntie Belle came to her rescue then. She returned home after that summer altering to changing her plans for the future. Now she was doing the same going off to Auntie Belles to heal again. Grief hadn’t driven her off the rails again but it was coming close. Her Mum and Dad watched her like a hawk when she got back home that summer. She had grown up, matured and had moved on from feeling resentment that her future plans had changed dramatically. Although sometimes she felt the smile forced or strained she still pinned it to her face.

  "Oh that's a shame you can’t dance anymore but at least you're not a cripple!" her Aunt Peggy told her at her 18th birthday party, "But it’s not like it was ever going to work out for you, I’m mean, who works as a dancer? Where is the money in that? Are you going to live with your parents for the rest of your life?”

  "Peggy!" her mum expelled as she ran off in tears.

  Her Aunt Peggy was outspoken and that wasn't going to change. She even told Carrie after Rob’s funeral that the insurance money would keep her going until she met her next man. That was after asking if he was insured and that she was properly taken care of. At that point her parents quickly had her Aunt in a taxi home before things got out of hand.

  Staying at her Aunt’s home she knew she didn’t need to take much with her. Clothes she could wash in the machine so she didn’t need to over pack and decided to take her little suitcase but the last time she saw that it was in the garage or was it the loft? Automatically she called out “Rob ... Where is the” and was about to ask him. Just as she would have done a million times before. Forgetting again, that he was not there.

  The suitcase was in the garage, squeezed behind the boxes from AGM of Rob’s stuff. She pulled the box forward to try and grab the handle of the suitcase. The top box wobbled and fell over. Papers strewn everywhere. “Great!”

  She put the suitcase aside and started to pick the papers up to return them to the box. There tucked in the box the packaging of an unopened parcel from amazon. Strange, she didn’t know why that would be there. She picked up the parcel after returning the paper to the box and tightened the lid. Tucking the parcel under her arm she grabbed the suitcase and returned to the living room. She opened the package and there was a hardback book of the “Lighthouses of New England”. The night when Rob had man-flu and they had snuggled on the sofa watching a program it was the lighthouses of New England. Rob had said he would love to visit there one day and Carrie had agreed.

  “Just imagine walking up all those steps and looking out into the sea. Nothing but ocean and waves” he had said.

  The tears had once again fallen down her face.

  Her little suitcase was packed, her large Hermes style birkin bag filled to capacity with all the essentials for her trip. Along with al
l the other non-essentials that she couldn’t leave home without. She added the lighthouse book into her handbag along with ‘Rob’ – she had his ashes in a carrier. Her original intention was to scatter his ashes but she couldn’t part with them. It was her last link to him. They had been transferred into a cylinder tube decorated with a picture of the ocean for scattering. She had picked that design after his love of the sea. People might think her strange but she didn’t care a jot. It brought him closer to her. The decorative tube was usually by her nightstand. Away from prying eyes at home. This was her first trip away without him so his ashes would be a substitute but bring her comfort. Maybe soon, maybe never but it wasn’t time yet for her let him go.

  The taxi was booked for eight and she set the alarm with enough time to shower and change in the morning before getting the train to Newquay. A final check through the house before bed, fridge emptied, and breadbin too, no nasty food surprises for her to return to. Her parents and Claire would check on the house whilst she was away. A quick note to her neighbours to let them know she would be away for a couple of weeks. She had a sneaky suspicion they would contact her family if they didn’t see her around the house or small estate after a day or two. Bluebell Gardens was that sort of place.