BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY Read online

  “Carrie love, why don’t you go for a shower and I will give this place a quick tidy up.”

  Carrie nodded in agreement. No energy to disagree with her mother as it would be a futile attempt to delay in the inevitable. As she walked up the stairs she heard the familiar sound of the hoover blasting into life.

  She recognised the face of the HR director. Had been to company do’s with Rob but this was very different. She was grateful her mum was there. Didn’t know if she would have managed it on her own. They talked of Rob’s success at work and helping to build the company. How he would be sorely missed by everyone who knew him. Brought her flowers from the company. A quick check to the dining table and her Mum during her lightning speed clean-up had cleared the withered flowers away. Then the real purpose of their visit to discuss his death benefits. Benefits! What a term. They handed her a buff coloured folder and it was all there in black and white. Financial security, share dividends, insurance and a monthly pension. But it wouldn’t bring him back.

  “Carrie, I hope you don’t mind. We’ve also brought some boxes of Rob’s personal belongings from the office.” They left the boxes on her porch where she instructed. Was it so easy to box up his work life into those two cardboard boxes?

  “Come back to work when you are ready Carrie. Your friends at AGM are here for you.”

  She was angry. Sod them. They could move on quick and clear his office when she couldn’t even change their bed. The boxes were moved into the garage – for later, for when it didn’t hurt so much, for when she had the strength to face their contents. The bed remained unchanged for a few more weeks before Carrie was ready. She carefully ironed the matching bedding set added the multitude of pillows and smoothed any imagined ruffles away but she still didn’t sleep in the room. Too many memories, too many ghosts.

  “Claire, can you come round and help? I want to go through some of Robs things.” Her sister was an organiser by nature. She brought boxes for storage and bags for the charity shop. But she also organised a babysitter and brought round a bottle of wine to ease them through their task. It was hard and through her grief Carrie felt disloyal for sorting through her husband’s clothing. Emptying suit pockets of business cards and loose change that he always seemed to have accumulated. The fact he would have coins always baffled her as he usually used his bank or credit cards to pay when they were out but somehow he would have loose change. Her heart was heavy and she took another gulp of wine.

  In their en-suite bathroom she opened the cabinet. His razor and blades sat on the countertop just as they had been that last morning next to the can of shaving foam. For a second her finger hesitated above the blade, tempted to run across and feel the sharpness. To give her body a different kind of pain from the grief that tore through her. But she didn’t. She emptied bottles of moisturiser, shampoo and an assortment of other toiletries that he had into the bin bag. His toothbrush the last thing that she put in the bin. Feeling disloyal at removing these intimate items. But she wouldn’t have asked Claire to do this. It was something that she alone had to do. She wiped the work top around the sink again and again until no traces of the shaving foam remained from that day. It was now clinical in its emptiness.

  She kept an assortment of things to bring her comfort, a battered old sweatshirt that he would lounge around the house in. The elbows thinned from use but it still smelled of Rob. It held his scent. She would bundle it up and sleep with it under her pillow. She had tried to bin it several times in the past but was glad now that she hadn’t. It took on the form of a comfort blanket to her. She kept a few of his ties for her Dad. Ones that her Dad had admired in the past and she knew he would wear as a memento of his son in law and his friend. She also kept some boxes for Robs parents. There would be a time when they would need some physical reminders of their son too. They hadn’t parted on the best of terms after the funeral but Carrie knew they would welcome any keep sakes. Rob was a great sportsman and his study had all the trophies that he had accumulated. Photographs celebrating victories and defeats although from the smiles on their faces it would be difficult to ascertain which. Some she left on the shelf and some she packed away for his parents. The study was Rob’s domain. It was the one room in the house she didn’t want to stay in for any great length of time but HR had asked for Rob’s laptop back. She took this time to look for it but the familiar black bag was not there. She would need to let them know it was not in the house. They had put the boxes she was keeping in the garage, the bags for charity in the boot of the car to be dropped off tomorrow.

  “What’s this?” Claire asked. The two cardboard boxes HR had left still in the garage, she hadn’t gotten round to opening them. She explained this to Claire and they brought them back into the house. “Well no time like the present then?”

  The first box was like a career time capsule. Rob’s awards throughout the years at AGM, commendations for length of service with the company and the same New Year photo that she had on her desk. That’s when Carrie broke and months of bottled up grief poured out. Claire rocked her sister, smoothed her hair and soothed the cooing words as if she were holding her baby Harry. Gradually it had the same affect and Carrie fell asleep. Exhaustion had set in and her body took over, needing to rest. Forcing her to finally give in.

  Claire called her husband Ryan and told him she wouldn’t be home. She didn’t want Carrie to wake up alone after the breakthrough that her breakdown had brought. She took a throw from the cupboard and tucked it around a sleeping Carrie. The glasses were added to the dishwasher and she gave the kitchen a quick tidy of the debris of their supper earlier. Carrie and Rob had a lovely home but with Rob gone she knew Carrie was struggling to find the heart of her home again.

  Carrie woke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. For a millisecond she thought Rob was home before the world came crashing down on her again.

  “Hey, sleepyhead. Coffee?” Claire brought over a mug of milky coffee and Carrie sat up her body achy from sleeping on the sofa all night. “I didn’t want to wake you.”

  “Thanks Claire, for everything last night .. for staying with me. I appreciate it.”

  They chatted for another while; Carrie drank some more coffee and told Claire her decision to return to work. “I think it’s time. It’s not that I want to but I can’t stay stuck at home. It won’t bring Rob back. I can’t stay in hiding here anymore; away from everyone and all the reminders.”

  She spoke with HR, discussed a phased return to work and agreed that the following week she would go back. The boxes she returned to the garage; unwilling to open any more. There would be time to go through them later.

  It was rush hour and Carrie forgot just how busy that was. She had butterflies in her stomach as if it was her first day at work and she had forgotten the road works that were threatened for months had finally started. She would have to take a detour to get to the office and hopefully make it in on time. Dressing for work she took out a dark grey trouser suit and pale pink blouse that she had worn many times in the past. She had to add a belt to the trousers as they were loose on her waist and tucked the blouse in. In the past Rob would tell her that the buttons would be straining to preserve her modesty but although she was a little thinner on the waist her breasts hadn’t lost any of their size. The suit jacket also hung a little loose. Oh well it would just have to do until she went through her work wardrobe. She didn’t have enough time to look for something else to wear.

  Stop start with the traffic, gaining little momentum. Then she realised the traffic was starting to back up and she was in the middle of a gridlock. A car had broken down and she could see the hazard lights blinking in the distance. The driver standing on the hard shoulder on his mobile phone. The siren of the police car sounded to make space through the cars and guide the traffic around the broken-down vehicle. Carrie was struggling to breathe. Panic was setting in to her stomach. The slow traffic and sound of the siren still blaring when she realised that she was approaching the junction where Ro
b had died. The cars were slowly moving; she couldn’t turn or manoeuvre out of the lane due to the gridlock. Slowly, slowly the car crawled by and she couldn’t close her eyes or she too would have an accident, couldn’t block out the damaged section of barrier where it had dents and scrapes of black paint. The shiny new section that marked where the barrier had been repaired and replaced. And finally, the flowers. A bunch of withered flowers by the roadside and she guessed Rob’s parents had come after all to leave their token of remembrance.

  Once the traffic began to move she pulled off the motorway as quick as she safely could opened the car door and threw up. Her empty stomach retching. She knew she couldn’t go to work or try and explain why she was in a state. Didn’t want the sympathy or an awkward silence. So she phoned her boss Fiona and left an excuse that she had a flat tyre and wouldn’t make it into work. She would try again the next day.

  The next day she left home earlier and took a different but an uneventful route. No diversions and she sat in the car park 20 minutes early before braving the office. She felt sick with nerves. The girls hugged her and welcomed her back. They apologised for the lack of contact and she awkwardly shrugged it off. Offered to make some tea and tried to make a joke about sugar or sweetener and what everyone wanted for a brew. Her desk was familiar but not. A large bouquet of flowers were waiting for her at her desk. She opened the small envelope and read the card.

  “Welcome back from all at AGM”

  Welcome? God it wasn’t like she was returning from a holiday it was bloody bereavement leave.

  It was obvious someone had been using her desk as things were out of place. She had an almost OCD preference for her stationary. The drawer had to be stocked and neat but was in disarray. She took note of what was needed, some pens and post it pads and went to replenish her stationary from the cupboard.

  Tina had worked for the company for years had joked that she had made it what it was. But she was reluctant to take on any position of authority and appeared content to ‘do her job and go home’. Management had approached her for the office supervisor role and she had declined it. She would tell anyone who would listen that she ‘gave’ Carrie the job as she stood aside from the promotion. Carrie had liked her but they would never be the best of friends and there was that barrier between them. When Carries own job expanded and she was given more responsibility they had offered her the office supervisor job.

  “I’ll speak to Fi ... she won’t get rid of you.” She heard Tina tell her daughter Lisa as they stood in the cupboard. When Carrie walked in they sprang apart.

  “Hi Carrie, good to have you back” Tina recovered. Lisa nodded and quickly walked away.

  So Lisa had been covering for her. Makes sense now the feeling someone had been at her desk and the almost dagger looks she had been getting from Tina.

  “Things have changed Carrie. We had to restructure a few things. Tina’s been a godsend, so has Lisa. Well you have been ‘away’ for nearly three months” She was sitting in Fiona’s office for her return to work ‘chat’. She almost whispered the word away.

  “But HR won’t keep Lisa on now that you are back. You know how they can be about these things. Headcount, headcount. We already have our limit in the department. But good news we do get to keep her for a few more weeks until you are settled back in.”

  They spoke of customer news, management changes, and this year’s public holidays. Suggestions for the location for the staff Christmas night out even though it was only June. Everything but Rob’s replacement and Carries job. Time to get the elephant out of the room.

  “So, who is doing Rob’s job? Did they recruit anyone internally?” She was grateful that the director’s offices were two floors above so she didn’t have to pass his office.

  “Oh, well err, it was Phil Scott. You know Phil from the Edinburgh office. Everyone is really pleased for him but big shoes to fill for Phil, fantastic opportunity, they don’t come around often ... Herm I mean well, it won’t replace Rob, no-one could do that” as usual Fiona was struggling to pull a coherent conversation together.

  They talked through her ‘new’ temporary duties, just until she was ‘well’ enough to take them all back on. In the interim her direct staff would continue to report into Fiona. Not to burden her with their issues. Fiona was emphatic that Carries salary wouldn’t be affected by these changes. Not that Carrie was bothered. Fantastic, she was already feeling totally inadequate and now she had to wait until she was deemed ‘well’.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  It had started to rain, a slow steady rain that seeps through your clothes and if you had hair like Carrie it made it frizz. The rain was not a good sign for August, would they ever get that summer that was promised by the weathermen? She really was stuck this time, waiting for the repair man to fix her punctured tyre. Another call to Fiona to explain why she was running late.

  “Again, I thought you had a breakdown a couple of months ago? Oh well I guess you will miss the presentation at 10am? I will ask Tina if she can step in again for you” and cut Carrie off, not waiting for a reply or comment.

  No umbrella and as instructed she was waiting by the roadside until the AA could attend. Two hours later she was trying to fix the frizzy mess of hair and wipe the mascara from her eyes. She looked like a panda. No make-up in her bag to do a quick repair job.

  When she got to her desk there was a neon pink post it on the screen.

  “My office when you get in!!!!!!!!!!” Yes, it had 10 exclamation marks. She counted every one of them.

  She gave a general hello and walked up the stairs to the 1st floor and Fiona’s office.

  Time for another bollocking; she had obviously made another FU. But she had no idea what for? She didn’t think a punctured tyre warranted 10 exclamation marks but who could tell with Fiona for a boss? The door was closed which was unusual in itself. She knocked on the door and opened it. Tina was sitting with Fiona looking guilty like co-conspirators. They quickly shuffled paperwork into a bundle that had been spread over the desk.

  “Thanks Tina, you are a GODSEND!” Fiona exclaimed. “I really couldn’t have completed the presentation without you”

  “No problem Fi ... You know me ... I’m always happy to help you!”

  Tina gave her a smug look and left the room.

  “You wanted to see me?”

  “Yes, I do Carrie, well where do I start?” She swung back on her chair, starting fiddling with the pen in her hand. “There have been some issues recently ... I think we have to have a little chat.”

  Carrie had worked for the company for almost four years. Was accomplished in her job, professional and good at what she did but in the next ten minutes her confidence was slowly chipped away.

  A.N.OTHER – Fiona had not disclosed who had made some complaints. Lack of attention to detail had cost them a huge amount of money to rectify that morning. Carrie had sent the wrong consignment to Mr Groves. Transportation costs, stock that needed to be express ordered and shipped would all be involved. Fiona had of course personally apologised on behalf of Carrie and naturally had put the error down to Carrie’s bereavement! Mr Groves was disappointed but didn’t want it taken any further. They would have to monitor this and report it to HR as of course there was a financial cost to be written off. Carrie apologised, could not understand how the error occurred and assured Fiona it would not be repeated. She stood to leave the office, hand on the doorknob.

  “Carrie, did you get your car fixed?” she questioned. “Yes, all sorted ... just a puncture”

  “Mmm maybe it’s time to get another car ... You’ve not had much luck lately with cars”

  “I beg your pardon … “

  Realising she had just made a massive faux pas Fiona tried to recover “Erm I mean, your car, not Robs! You know it wasn’t that long ago that you had a breakdown, that’s what I mean... I mean breakdown with the car not physically you having a breakdown... Which of course if you did that would be perfectly acceptable...? Given your
circumstances” she rambled on.

  “Are we done here?” Carrie left without waiting for a reply.

  When she returned to her desk it was obvious they had been talking about her but quickly made a show that they weren’t.

  “Tea, anyone want a cuppa?” was the general shout out trying to salvage their conversation and not that they were gossiping about the latest Carrie mistake.

  “Not for me” Carrie declined and began her decline and retreat at the workplace.

  Fiona with the assistance of HR decided that Carrie should continue on reduced duties until she was ‘well’. She overheard Fiona speaking with same HR manager who came to her house. “Yes AGM is tremendously loyal to Rob and as his widow, we need to show that same loyalty to Carrie at this difficult time!”

  For the first time in her life work was making her ill and she didn’t know how to express it. If she burst into tears it was assumed she was ‘grieving’ not that they were tears of anger at making a mistake or forgetting simple tasks. She felt like she was losing her mind. Walking away for a glass of water and then forgetting what she had gotten up for. Or walking to the printer but realising that she hadn’t pressed the print button. Walking about it a daze was what best described her. Home, work, home was her schedule. She didn’t want to go anywhere or visit friends or family or go to the gym. She just wanted to sleep when she got home. That way she could try and forget Rob wasn’t there; she could fall asleep dreaming of him. In a bizarre way she bargained with herself that she would have him in her dreams and everything would be okay. In her dreams they could be together again. She knew it was irrational but it got her through some tough days. She wasn’t eating enough as she had no appetite or energy. At work she would stay at her desk, attempting to eat a sandwich as she couldn’t go through the pretence of sitting in the canteen with the others. She didn’t want to hear how well all their lives were or holidays booked or even marital disputes. She wanted to scream at them appreciate everything that you have and not take it for granted. But she didn’t. The words were unsaid. In the past she would sit at lunch exchange stories or talk about what they had watched the night before on TV. Now she had no interest and she knew they were relieved she didn’t join them. Oh a few times they would press her to join them but after her negative shake of the head and maybe next time reply, they stopped asking. It was awkward. What would her reply be to watching TV or what did she do at the weekend? The TV was on for the background noise at home but she didn’t know what program was on. Oh the weekend, mmm what did I do? Well after crying herself to sleep, crying at the supermarket over a carton of orange juice or even just crying because his favourite rugby team was playing she could guess their responses. A quick turnabout and retreat.